Tuesday, April 4- Chance of Rain Sunday morning, Jeff took Dylan and Kali on a hike as usual. Dylan hadn't been eating well for a few days so I told Jeff to make it an easy hike which he did. Monday morning, Dylan could barely walk. I had to help him downstairs to the kitchen. I brought one of our pet beds down so he didn't have to lie on the cold, hard tile floor. I also put a heating pad wrapped in a towel on his hips. Jeff was at work so I tried to help him outside to go potty. It was raining and he just got so tired doing this that he laid down on the grass in the rain. I had to go and try and pick him up and bring him back inside. I called Jeff at work and I also left a message with his vet oncologist. I spent the whole day with him in the kitchen. He drank water and ate some ice cubes but didn't want to eat at all. Jeff got the PM part of his shift off and came home. The vet called and was very concerned. We happen to have his usual appointment today at 10:40 so we will both go to that. I'll try to post an update in the afternoon if there's anything new to report. It's pretty shocking this sudden downtown considering just a week ago he was running through the hills as usual.

Wednesday, April 5- Chance of Rain Just waiting for the phone to ring today to find out about Dylan. We don't know anything definitive yet. We drove him into Culver City for his regularly scheduled appointment and his doctor was stunned at his condition. He just laid on the floor on his side and didn't raise his head or wag his tail. Normally, Dylan can recognize the sound of her shoes and he's all wiggles when she walks in. She found him to be dehydrated and his bladder seemed full. Probably because he was holding it in because he couldn't get up to walk. She wanted him admitted to the hospital and we suggested that he go down to Orange County to the offices since today was her last day coming to the westside. She thought that was a great idea and even considered driving him down in her car but we told her that we'd take him. She wanted him admitted to their critical care facility but first wanted to do some emergency stabilizing things like giving him IV fluids and inserting a catheter. It was noon so we said we'd go to lunch and come back to get him at 2 for the drive down south. When we got back at 2, she told us that he was already feeling a bit better, holding his head up and even wagging his tail a bit. It took us almost 2 hours to get down to Orange County due to the rain and freeway traffic but Dylan seemed to be happy to be in the car with us and he seemed comfortable. We were very impressed with the facility. They came out with a stretcher for him and then they took us back inside the hospital. It looked like a scene out of ER- very professional with a huge staff caring for animals in many cages. Dylan was in a cage next to another Golden named Cassidy and he seemed relaxed. We hugged and kissed him and told him we'd see him tomorrow. It was a looong day. We didn't get back home until almost 8pm. As much as I've said I was prepared for this time to eventually come and that I did all my grieving 4 1/2 years ago when we first were told he had cancer, I still found it wrenching. I do not do well when people sympathize with me. Every time someone said how much they admire us for all we've done for Dylan and what a good boy he is, the tears would flow. I don't know... maybe that's a normal reaction. Anyway, as of now (10pm Tuesday night) we still don't know anything. The best case scenario is that he has some sort of infection- bladder, prostate- and that he can be treated with antibiotics and be rehydrated and fed to gain his strength back. The worst case is that it's a progression of his lymphoma and it's time to let him go. It's very hard to do that but I do thank you all for your support, prayers and friendship. See, now I'm tearing up again.
Noon: Update on Dylan. The results of the ultrasound are not good news. They could see evidence of tumors in his abdomen. There are some close to his spine and that pressure is probably responsible for his difficulty walking. We are leaving to go to be with him in the hospital. We don't want him to wonder where we are. His doctor is going to try some steroids to see if it might help him get up and walk. I'm going to bring him some Costco chicken to see if he'll eat for me. I'm packing a few things in case we might have to spend the night at Justin's. He's very close to the hospital down there. His doctor said that if we have to let him go, she wants to be there, too. We know we can't bring Dylan home if he cannot walk or will not eat. With all that he's been through for 4 years and 8 months, with the heroic fight that he has fought, he deserves to die with dignity.

Thursday, April 6- Rainy Spring It's over. Thanks so much to everyone for caring about Dylan. Jeff and I are doing fine and I will write about everything later today if I feel up to it. All the love and support made this so much easier than I ever thought it would be. Dylan will be in our hearts forever. Dylan was a once in a lifetime dog and we were so lucky to have him for an extra four years and eight months. I know that we made those the very best years of his life and knowing that our time with him was borrowed made us appreciate those years, months and days all the more.

Friday, April 7- Rainy Spring I thought I'd try and write a little bit about what happened. I think writing about it will help me work through some of my emotions. I don't want to go over the details again but you can read about them starting with Tuesday's entry. That's how quickly it began and then was over. Once we heard the news that it was the cancer that was affecting Dylan's ability to walk we knew that his condition would not improve. He could not stand up, he would not get better, he would not be able to come home. We could not let him suffer just to give ourselves a few more days with him. Still, Jeff wanted to bring him home and have a local vet come to the house because he wanted Dylan surrounded by the people who loved him. He was all the way down in Orange County, two hours away. Dr. Blake, his oncology vet who had worked miracles to keep him alive for 4 years and 8 months, was almost as heartbroken as us and we knew that she would do anything she could to help him. We asked her if she had one last miracle for Dylan and she was honest with us and said no. We decided to drive down there Wednesday at noon to spend time with Dylan. They put us in a special room with sofas, chairs and a nice rug on the floor. They wheeled Dylan into us and for the first time in two days, he sat with his head up and wagged his tail. He was so happy to see us and they had a nice blanket for him to lie on and we sat on the floor with him. We stayed in that room for three hours kissing him, petting him, telling him, "he was such a good boy." His favorite praise. Even though he had lost his appetite, I brought him the "cookies" I made for him. The very ones in the March 29th entry photo. He ate every last one that I brought. That made me feel happy. The IV fluids seemed to have helped him to feel a bit better and his eyes were clear and he looked into our faces with the love and devotion that we've come to know. Dylan only asked one thing in life and that was to be close to us. He never was more than a few feet away from Jeff or me. We saw that he was beginning to relax having us near him and he laid his head down and listened to us talk. We tried to keep our voices steady and upbeat and free of the emotion that we were feeling inside. Our voices lulled him into a sleep and for the first time in a few days, he seemed totally relaxed and content. He looked so peaceful stretched out and he was still the handsome boy he always was. We made the decision that the time to let him go was right. Before he could suffer anymore indignities or pain. His battle with cancer had been too brave and heroic to do otherwise. This way, he only had one really bad day at the end of his four year and 8 month battle. He still had an IV in his leg so he wouldn't even need to be poked with a needle. We asked Dr. Blake if it would be possible to do it right there in that cozy room and she said that it would. We asked her to give us 10 more minutes and we hugged and kissed him some more and told him that he was a once in a lifetime dog and that we would never forget him. Even though the tears had been flowing we were both composed and I don't think he sensed our sadness. Dr. Blake cried through all three of the injections. She had explained what each one was and how it would be no different for him than going under anesthesia. He went peacefully and we knew we had made the right decision. We were at peace, too. I was proud of myself for gathering up the courage to be with Dylan to the very end. We all three cried and hugged each other. We thanked Dr. Blake for all the miracles she had given us over the years and she praised us for our dedication to Dylan. She gave us some scissors so we could clip some of his fur and I cut a long piece of his silky feathers on his leg. Earlier she had given us a large photo of Dylan from the photographer who took his photo in October for the Cancer Survivor Calendar. There was a second photo of a more serious pose and she asked us if she could keep that for herself. She always referred to Dylan as "her boyfriend" and "her star pupil." On Thursday, Jeff and I went and bought a frame for the photo and we placed his clipped fur inside. It is hanging in the room where I sit by the computer and where Dylan spent hours on end at my side. He was always so happy just to be by our sides.


~ Dylan ~
January 26, 1995- April 5, 2006

What the poem below the photo says:

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love, his leader.
He will be yours, faithful and true, till the last beat of his heart.
You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
~ * ~

Thanks so much for all the overwhelming love and support. All the kind comments, emails and ecards and thoughtful gestures. Jeff read your comments, too, and asked me to extend his thanks to you, as well. I'll be by before long to thank each and everyone of you personally. As I've said before, it's not a coincidence that all of us are animal lovers. We have been brought together through our shared love.


Thanks, Wynne

  
Thanks, Kay

   
Thanks, Susan

~ Sympathy card message from Dr. Blake ~

"Dear Jeff & Darylynn ~
I am horrified to admit this, but the card that was to have been mailed to you over 2 months ago was just found in our office. So I am writing something different. Thank you for your beautiful note; I have it sitting on my desk still. Dylan's passing was so difficult- likely the MOST emotional I've experienced. I was a little surprised at my own reaction, but certainly understandable with the bond that can form after 4 years of seeing clients and patient as frequently as we did.

I want to thank you for allowing me to be a constant part of Dylan's life and giving me the opportunity to get him through his health and illness. He was a very special dog- a relationship that I expect few oncologists are able to experience and one I will treasure always. Please take care- it was wonderful being a part of yours and Dylan's lives.

~ Mary Kay"

Saturday, April 8- Rainy Spring What about Kali? I promise that this will be my last sad post. One of the hardest things that we are going through right now is not only our missing Dylan, but Kali missing Dylan. She has never known life without him. He was her big brother and her father figure. Still, she was so jealous of him. Kali is a "what about me?" dog. When Jeff would come home in the morning and the dogs would greet him with wild enthusiasm, Kali would try and push herself into the forefront and she would actually bite Dylan's ankles if she thought he was getting too much attention. We would laugh at that but Dylan was always patient with her, the saint that he was. We are of the firm belief that Kali helped add years to his life. She kept him young and energetic. Every evening, they had what we called their "post-meal fight." They would eat dinner and then engage in ferocious play-battles. It never got out of hand though and they never got angry. It was just great boisterous fun. Now, Kali is so lost and confused. Jeff took her on a hike the day after Dylan left and she just didn't know how to do it. She always followed in his footsteps. He was her leader. Jeff didn't want me to come along on the hike. He wanted to be alone to grieve. I know I haven't talked much about this, but Dylan worshipped Jeff. He loved me, too, but those two had the deepest bond you could ever imagine. I think it is Jeff's profound sadness that has allowed me to be stronger. On this hike, Jeff told me that Kali would run up and down the trail not knowing what to do. Her eyes were searching and searching for Dylan. At one point, she spotted something up ahead on the trail. It was a rusted out piece of metal, but to her from afar, it looked like Dylan. She ran with abandon towards it, like she was shot out of a cannon. Our hearts are breaking for her. We've given her so much attention and time these last few days. We took her on a long walk Friday morning around Westlake. Then in the late afternoon, we drove down to the beach and let her romp and play. I think she was happy and distracted. Here's a photo of our sweet little girl, Kali, missing her best friend. I think she'll be searching for him for a long, long time.